Tag Archives: essays

There’s Only One: A Letter to Sydney Bristow

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This is the latest in my collection of letters to female characters who’ve inspired me throughout my life as a fangirl. If you have a character you’d like to write a letter to, click here for details on the book of letters I’m compiling!

Sydney red hair

Source: usatoday30.usatoday.com

Dear Sydney,

When I was in high school, my friends and I were talking about our dream jobs, and one of them turned to me and asked, “Katie, you want to be a CIA agent, right?”

No, I didn’t want to be a CIA agent. But I did want to be you. I wanted to be you so badly that apparently my friends thought I wanted to follow your career path, too. But your career path was probably the only thing about you I never tried to emulate. (I think I made up for that by choosing to major in English in college like you did.) I was the only teenager I knew who owned not just one but two black pantsuits, which I often wore with turtlenecks. I wore my hair in a lot of low, sleek ponytails while I was in high school (and I continue to do so today). And I don’t think my love for coffee ice cream developed by coincidence.

High school is often the time when we desperately search for role models, for people to help us develop into the best adults we can be. I was lucky: I had inspiring teachers, I had great family members, and I had you. When other kids in my class dressed up as Lindsay Lohan for “Celebrity Dress-Up Day” during Spirit Week, I dressed up as you—not Jennifer Garner, but Sydney Britsow, complete with one of my aforementioned pantsuits. I got more than a few strange looks and there was even some snickering behind my back that day, but I didn’t care. I walked through the halls confidently—with my homemade CIA badge proudly displayed—because I was channeling you, and you walked with confidence and poise through things much worse than rooms full of judgmental teenagers. Thank you, for helping me to learn to walk with that same confidence and poise even when I wasn’t wearing a pantsuit or homemade badge.

You were a part of my life during some of my most formative years. Alias premiered when I was in eighth grade, and it ended just weeks before my high school graduation. During that time, my love for your story introduced me to fan videos and the concept of spoilers (which I gobbled up like candy). It inspired me to create notebooks full of collages with pictures from my favorite episodes and folders full of (pretty terrible) fan fiction. It brought me to the SD-1 forums, where I learned the many ways fandom can connect people from all over the world and can help us all feel a little less alone. Alias was the first TV fandom I was ever a part of, so—while I might not have followed your path to the CIA—you did end up influencing my future in a very real way. And I will forever be grateful for that.

I might be biased, but I don’t think you get enough credit, Sydney. You were so much more than just a superspy with amazing fighting skills (which is what most people say about you when you’re remembered); you were a female character who embodied the idea that strength and vulnerability aren’t mutually exclusive concepts long before it became more common in the media. And watching you show that to the world had a profound impact on me as a teenager and continues to have a profound impact on me today.

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Fangirl Thursday: Shared Joy Is the Best Joy

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Today is the kind of day that reminds me why I love being a fangirl.

If you haven’t seen my next-level fangirling on Twitter, a new Once Upon a Time sneak peek was released today that sent a good portion of the fandom into the best kind of hysterics: gif-using, all caps Tweeting, I CANNOT HANDLE THE FEELS hysterics. In a not-so-shocking development, it turns out that Killian Jones loves Emma Swan. And he wants to give up the thing that’s protected him for 300 years in order to protect her now as she fights to defeat the darkness inside her.

Cue the happy “shipper” sobs (including my own).

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Don’t Stop Believing: A Letter to Rachel Berry

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This is the latest addition to my collection of letters to female characters who’ve inspired me throughout my years as a fangirl. If you have a letter (or letters) of your own you’d like to share, check out this post to learn more about the book of letters I’m compiling, and send your letter(s) to nerdygirlnotes@gmail.com!

Source: glee.wikia.com

Source: glee.wikia.com

Dear Rachel,

When I first started watching Glee in 2009, I was struck by more than a few similarities to my own high school experience, which had ended three years before. I had been a theater kid, a member of my school’s show choir, and far from what anyone would call popular in high school. But the thing I related to the most was a line you said in the eighth episode of that first season:

I want everything too much.

In you, Rachel, I found a reflection of the ambition I often keep hidden in the deepest part of my heart, because too often I’m afraid to tell people how much I want my dreams to come true. What if they laugh at me? What if they tell me I’m not good enough? What if they think I’m ungrateful with what I already have for wanting more?

You didn’t care. You owned your big personality, your big dreams, and your big plans for achieving those dreams. Confidence radiated from you like sunlight, inspiring others to be their best just to keep up with your glow. And what was so important about your confidence was that it wasn’t delusional. Your theatrical personality and your over-the-top methods for getting what you want were things characters and the audience were supposed to laugh at or roll their eyes at, but your belief in yourself wasn’t a joke. And for a young woman who still—now a decade removed from high school—wishes she had your confidence, that matters immensely.

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Live Your Dream: A Letter to Rapunzel

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This is the latest addition to my collection of letters to female fictional characters who’ve inspired me throughout my years as a fangirl. If you have a letter of your own you’d like to share, check out this post to learn more about the book of letters I’m compiling (tentatively titled Fan Mail), and send your letter(s) to nerdygirlnotes@gmail.com!

tangled

Dear Rapunzel,

You came into my life when I was well past the age when girls typically want to be Disney princesses. I was 22 years old, a recent college graduate, and a member of the “working world” of adults. I thought I didn’t have any use for fairytales anymore. Sure, I’d be entertained by the them, but I tried to tell myself that I couldn’t be inspired in any profound way by them now that I was “all grown up.”

Thank you for showing me I was wrong.

Thank you for bringing magic back into my life. The moment I saw you and Flynn Rider on that boat, surrounded by floating lanterns, something changed in me—or, more accurately, something changed back. I’d spent too long trying to push down the part of me that looked at the world with wonder and wanted to believe in dreams coming true—because I thought that would make me look immature to the rest of the “adult” world. But in that magical cinematic moment, I let myself feel like a little kid again. I felt my heart open up in that moment to the idea that this kind of story might still have the power to change my life for the better—not just by connecting me to my past, but by giving me hope for my future.

Fairytales aren’t just for little kids or even little-kids-at-heart. They’re for all of us. They teach all of us, but only if we’re open to it. And with my heart newly opened to the possibility of learning from your journey, I discovered you had so much to teach me. And the things you taught me I could never have understood as a little girl. I might have liked your hair and sang your songs, but I wouldn’t have needed you as a child. I needed you as I became an adult—and I still need you now.

We’re all stuck in towers. Sometimes other people put us there, sheltering us from the world and keeping us from experiencing life for any number of reasons. But there are also many times when we keep ourselves locked in our own tower. Sometimes we’re our own Mother Gothel, and we need to find the courage to be you instead.

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You Were Never on Your Own: What a One Direction Concert Taught Me About Fandom

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Sometimes inspiration strikes in the most unexpected places...like a One Direction Concert.

Sometimes inspiration strikes in the most unexpected places…like a One Direction Concert.

I went to a One Direction concert last week, and it was one of the most inspiring things I’ve done in a long time.

I know—it’s probably strange to hear a 27-year-old woman describe a boy band concert as “inspiring,” but my experience was less about what was happening onstage and more about what was happening in the crowd. Yes, those boys from Britain were quite charming and talented, and they put on a heck of a show. But for me as a woman interested in fandom and how we engage with the things we love, the best thing about that concert was watching the preteen and teenage girls around me scream, cry, dance, and hug their fellow fangirls through every song.

Teenage girls can’t catch a break. They’re hardwired to care about things with a single-minded intensity that leads many to label them “crazy” or “silly” for feeling things as strongly as they do. And then when they take in what the world is saying about their impassioned reactions to things, they start to clamp down on their enthusiasm, and the world then labels them “vapid” or “shallow” because of how little they seem to care. It’s a vicious cycle designed to do nothing but make these girls feel bad about themselves.

So it brought me immense joy to see thousands of girls and women unashamedly expressing the fullest extent of their enthusiasm last Thursday night at Ralph Wilson Stadium in Buffalo, New York, from the moment One Direction came onstage until long after the last encore had finished. I’ve seen that stadium filled with Buffalo Bills fans on Sunday afternoons for years, and this was no different—thousands of people joining together to cheer and share their excitement over something they love. People just want to make it something different because sports fandom is generally the realm of adult men, while boy band fandom is the realm of young women. And it doesn’t take a genius to figure out which group of not-so-different fans gets more respect from the world at large.

It was nice—for one night at least—to watch young women express whatever emotions they were feeling in the moment without having to explain them, apologize for them, or feel self-conscious for feeling as strongly as they do about things. And it was because they knew they weren’t alone. They were surrounded by other young women who were feeling those same feelings just as strongly as they were. They had hands to hold while they jumped up and down, people to dance with, and friends (new and old) to hug as they shared their overwhelming joy.

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Finding Faith: A Letter to Jamie Sullivan

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This is the latest addition to my collection of letters to female fictional characters who’ve inspired me throughout my years as a fangirl. If you have a letter of your own you’d like to share, check out this post to learn more about the book of letters I’m compiling, and send your letter(s) to nerdygirlnotes@gmail.com!

Source: awalktoremember.wikia.com

Source: awalktoremember.wikia.com

Dear Jamie,

I was 13 when I first saw A Walk to Remember on a snowy Sunday afternoon with my two best friends. Life isn’t easy for a 13-year-old girl. I was caught between desperately wanting to be “cool” and knowing in my gut that I could never really fit in with the “cool” kids. I was starting to ask the big questions about myself, my future, and my faith. Needless to say, you came into my life exactly when I needed you the most.

You were the rare breed of teenage character who genuinely didn’t care what other people thought of them. When you told Landon that, you didn’t say it to impress him or to make yourself look cool or better than your peers. Popularity simply wasn’t something that made you lose sleep at night like it is for so many teenagers—myself included at the time. Of course, you had bigger things to worry about (that pesky “dying of cancer” thing), but there was more to your place in “self-exile territory” than that.

When it comes to your character, Jamie, everything is a matter of faith. And you had enough faith in yourself and your principles to know that you were living the right life for you—regardless of what other people thought of it. The impact that had on 13-year-old me was immediate and intense. You weren’t naïve; you knew people made fun of your modesty, your interest in astronomy, and your religious beliefs. But you also knew something it would have taken me a lot longer to learn without your example: What mattered wasn’t what other people said; it was what you believed. So thank you for showing me that the coolest thing you can be is yourself—even if other people make fun of you for it or don’t understand it at the time.

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Fangirl Thursday: Let’s Talk About Strength

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Castle Teen Spirit

COLIN O'DONOGHUE, JENNIFER MORRISON

Today’s post is more of a straightforward essay than a typical Fangirl Thursday discussion-starter, but I hope it still inspires plenty of discussion in the comments because this is a topic very close to my heart.

I say it often, but it bears repeating: I’m a lucky fangirl. In the last few years, I’ve gotten to watch many of my favorite female characters on television grow in incredibly honest, believable, and inspiring ways. I’ve watched these characters grow from places of isolation and fear to places of love and hope. And watching them grow has helped me grow as a woman in ways I might never have without their example.

However, this growth that I find so inspiring is often met with skepticism from other fans—claims that these characters are “weaker” now than they were when we were first introduced to them; statements that people miss who these women were in their shows’ first seasons; and impassioned cries for a return to the “badasses” these women were before they started wearing lighter dresses and hairstyles, smiling more, and opening their heart to other people. These arguments present a fascinating look at the ways we define what it means to be a “strong woman” and how certain definitions of that phrase do more harm than good.

Female characters have often fallen into one of two extreme groups: the damsel in distress who always needs saving or the superwoman warrior who shows no emotion and never relies on anyone but herself. However, there’s a beautiful middle ground emerging in the media right now—especially on television. Female characters are being created who fight for themselves and others but draw the strength to fight from an open heart and steadfast support system. They do a lot of saving, but sometimes they need help to save others and even themselves. That doesn’t make them damsels in distress; that makes them realistic. That makes them human.

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Fangirl Thursday: You Never Forget Your First

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Source: starwars.com

Source: starwars.com

When it comes to fandom, first loves often last a lifetime. The first character you ever really related to, the first “ship” that melted your heart, the first book or movie or TV show that kept you up way past your bedtime just thinking about it—they stay with you forever. And like the best first loves, they change you in ways you probably don’t even realize until years later. They become so wrapped up in the fabric of who you are that you don’t know who you’d be if you hadn’t picked up that book or changed the channel at the right time or popped in that VHS tape—and you don’t ever want to know, either.

For me, it always comes back to Star Wars. I first discovered the original trilogy as a little girl of no more than five or six, thanks to my two older cousins. I have fond memories of pretending to be Princess Leia as I ran around with them on the playground, rushing from the “Death Star” (the jungle gym area) to the “Millennium Falcon” (the swings) as we made our escape from my dad, who was always Darth Vader.

While these early years of Star Wars love gave me my first fictional role model in Princess Leia as well as a certain fondness for scoundrels before I even knew what that word meant, it took until I was 12 for me to really consider myself a Star Wars nerd, complete with the deep sense of engagement, passion, and enthusiasm I attach to the idea of being a nerd. It was the during the spring of seventh grade that I re-discovered the series that had been such a big part of my early childhood, but I now was able to throw myself into it with the single-minded devotion only a preteen girl can possess.

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Choosing to See the Best: A Letter to Emma Swan

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This is my newest addition to my collection of letters to female fictional characters who’ve inspired me throughout my years as a fangirl. If you have a letter of your own you’d like to share, check out this post to learn more about the book of letters I’m compiling, and send your letter(s) to nerdygirlnotes@gmail.com! 

JENNIFER MORRISON

Dear Emma,

I’ve spent a lot of time writing about a lot of characters over the years, but you’re the one I’ve written about the most. Writing about you pushes me to be more vulnerable, more honest, and more open—even when it’s terrifying. You’ve made me a braver writer, which has made me a better writer. And somewhere along the way—as I started writing all those posts and essays about your journey on Once Upon a Time—I started becoming a braver and better person, too.

Writing about you demands bravery that matches your own. But one of the things I love most about you is that your courage runs so much deeper than vanquishing villains and traveling to unknown realms. Breaking the Dark Curse at the end of Season One wasn’t accomplished because you fought a dragon. It happened because you were brave enough to finally believe you could truly love someone and have them truly love you, too. I don’t face too many dragons in my everyday life, but I do know what it’s like to be afraid to open your heart to people. So thank you for giving me an example of bravery I can relate to.

Thank you, also, for giving me an example of optimism I can relate to. Optimism is a part of your genetic makeup. However, heartbreak made you believe that shutting down those parts of you that wanted to hope would protect you from being hurt again. You spent so long looking over your shoulder—preparing for another disappointment—that you didn’t let yourself see potential happiness when it was right in front of you. And when you did see that potential happiness, it scared you. You feared that for every good moment, a bad one was waiting right around the corner. It was impossible for you to believe things could simply be good.

I know that fear all too well. I’ve struggled with anxiety for many years, which means I’ve spent too much time preparing for something bad to happen, waiting for the other shoe to drop. It was hard for me to appreciate good moments, because I was often worrying about the potential bad moments to come. My natural instinct is to be hopeful, but as you face the disappointments that come with growing up, sometimes it feels safer to just stop hoping.

That was the state of mind I was in when I discovered Once Upon a Time. Then, I started watching your story develop, and I started writing about that development. I saw someone who was scared to hope letting herself believe in the possibility of good things. I saw someone who was often too focused on bad moments starting to accept that things can be good. I saw someone choosing to be happy, and it didn’t make her naïve or weak; it made her stronger than ever.

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Miss You in the Saddest Fashion: Farewell, Pawnee

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Parks and Recreation - Season 7

“What makes work worth doing is getting to do it with people you love.” – Leslie Knope

In the past, when I’ve written about series finales, I’ve used a format very close to the one I use to grade season finales. But as Leslie hugged Ann during Tuesday’s Parks and Recreation series finale, it hit me: That format wasn’t going to cut it this time. “One Last Ride” wasn’t just the first series finale of I show I actually wrote about weekly; it was the series finale of what I will now say is my favorite TV show of all time. (Sorry, Alias.) How could I fit something so huge into such narrow categories? How could I even try to slap a grade on something that was more of a life moment than a TV episode? (For the record, though, that grade would have been an A+.) How could any of us who’ve been so personally inspired by this beautiful show find a way to coherently talk about its finale?

Parks and Rec has always been more than a TV show to those of us who love it. It’s a way of life and a way of looking at the world with hope, positivity, and a desire to make a difference. In a television landscape that’s becoming increasingly dark and nihilistic, Parks and Rec was a bright light—a show that was unafraid to wear its heart on its sleeve in the form of likeable characters who genuinely cared for one another. And to the very end, Parks and Rec was true to itself. “One Last Ride” will be remembered as a series finale that was unashamedly hopeful, genuinely emotional, and—above all else—a joyful celebration of the love we feel for the people, places, and work that matter to us. As such, it was the perfect reflection of the series as a whole. The most you can ask for as a fan of any TV show is for a series finale that honors the soul of the show you love so much. Parks and Rec gave its fans exactly that, and I’ve never felt prouder to be a fan of a specific TV show than I am to be a Parks and Rec fan today.

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